Harry Potter and the Parodies of Hilarity
by Way 2 HP Obsessed
Summary: Just an average wizard attempting to get through seven years at Hogwarts. Add in a couple of random death threats, stupid teachers, and swarming fans and you get Harry Potter... or at least how it all SHOULD have been.


**NOTE:** Here is a new story for everyone! I hope you find it at least a little amusing! I know I do. Each chapter will be focusing on a specific scene from one of the books, in no particular order, and each chapter should be viewed as a separate story, not relating to the chapters before or after it. This one is from Harry's point of view, but I am not yet sure if they all will be. ALL OF THE MISSPELLED WORDS ARE ON PURPOSE (the changes in tense are just my bad writing though :P) Don't bother telling me that stuff is out of character, read the title people. Thanks so much to my friend Rachel for some of the content in this chapter! PLEASE READ AND REVIEW!

**Disclaimer:** Everything belongs to JKR, down to the last drop of Fire Whisky.

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**That Dang Chamber O' Secrets**

So we was all sitting around the common room, all sad cuz we thought that Ginny was dead. Fred and George had gone up to bed cuz they didn't feel like doing nothing, and it was late, like say… 8:00pm. Percy had decided to tell his parents that Ginny was dead, yeah Perce, let em down easy.

We knew Lockhart was supposed to be finding her, so being the heroic twelve year olds we are, Ron and I decided to go help our charming teacher get into the Chamber of Secrets.

We walked down the corridor, very subdued but full of adventure… yeah… cuz that makes sense…

When we got to Lockhart's classroom we could hear loud sounds from inside it.

Keeping in mind that Lockhart had been told to go look in the chamber hours ago, what do you think our first thought was, when we opened the door?

A- Why in the world is Lockhart still here?

B- Oh he must have gone halfway there, then remembered that he forgot something and had to come back

C- He's running away! The scum bad!

If you guessed A you are right! We really had NO IDEA in our minds why our wonderful teacher was in his office… remember we are twelve.

So anyway, after a long discussion in which we found out Lockhart's secret, threw his wand out the window, and wrestled a troll, we headed off to Moaning Myrtles bathroom.

Now let me tell you a little about Miss. Myrtle: she's a ghost, she has many pimples, and she is completely in love with me. So, knowing that it was no surprise that when we asked her how she died she just pointed at a sink and went back to filing her ghostly nails.

I looked at the sink and sure enough there was a snake on one of the taps. Knowing instantly that this was my job I pushed Ron and Gildy out of the way and looked at the tap. With my amazing snakey powers I told the little carving to open, yes open… why not like move, or show me the chamber? I dunno. 'Open' just seemed like the right word.

Since Ron and I had been leaning over the sink for the last few minutes we didn't see Lockhart when he tried to sneak out the door. But we did hear him with our magical senses.

"Get back here ya dungbomb!" Ron shouted.

Gilderoy came back over to us, looking like a little kid who had just been caught doing something wrong.

Yeah, I have no idea why he came back to us. I mean, we are just little kids who only know two years of magic. The worst spell we knew was like "expelliarmus" and he had already lost his wand.

Anywayz— Old Lockhart came over and without warning we pushed him into the pipe at our feet, which we are only assuming leads to da Chamba O' Secrets.

What did we care if Gildy died? He had made our pitiful lives terribly boring in DADA for the past year, I mean, no death threats? No Voldy on the back of your head? BOOR-ING! How could we possibly make it through an ENTIRE YEAR with nothing dangerous happening to one of us? True GinGin was dead or dying… WAIT! Hey, what the heck are we standing around here for, thinking about random stuff for? I mean, we are supposed to be SAVING her.

Ah, who cares, we are only doing this to get even more famous than we are. Come on, without my ego, I'm nothing, I must build it up while I can!

So just about then Ron reminded me that his poor 11 year old sis needed our help and remembering that I had an audience (Myrtle was still hanging around watching me, cuz that's what she does). So I jumped down into the pit of death before Ron, cuz after would have made me look so lame.

So I slid down the long pipe-slid-thing and hummed a merry song on my way down. I could hear Ron banging up the sides of the slide with his big-ol-head behind me.

But, sooner than I wanted, I sped off the end of the chute straight into Lockhart's open arms… because I didn't want to get my robes muddy or something, who knows.

Ron wooshed out after me, but sadly no one was there to catch him, so he just hit the ground… Poor Ron.

Well, we all straightened up, brushed off our beautiful black robes, or in Lockhart's case- gold ones. Then I coughed a few times, cracked my knuckles, pushed past Lockhart and strutted into the large tunnel that was branching off our chamber.

The first thing I noticed when we came into the tunnel was a long, thick, green snakeskin. Ron and Gildy immediately lost their heads: screamed, ran in circles, and fainted. But you know me, I wasn't scared of a giant, man eating, death glarer snake! No! In fact I used my special magic powers to realize that this was NOT a live snake, just a lime green shedding!

After I discovered this oh so obvious fact I walked over to Ron and flicked him on the head… to wake him up, because he had fainted, remember. I mean, COME ON! I am THE Harry Potter, give me a sidekick who DOESN'T pass out at the sight of anything scary.

Well, Ron mumbled something about cake and then rolled over on his side. Wow Ron, not the time to fall asleep.

Because we were so distracted, I on Ron, Ron on his cake- neither of us noticed Gilderoy who had already gotten to his feet (nosily), brushed of his clothes, and combed his hair. We only became aware of our very obnoxious teacher AFTER he had taken Rob's wand and pointed it at the two of us.

He then proceeded to bore our poor little brains to death (or at least mine, Ron was still asleep) by telling us once again about his amazing life story and how he would never let us get away with that information.

About half way through this speech I decided to just walk away and see what happened. Luckily I managed to get far enough away that when Lockhart DID try to attack, and Ron's Whomped-up wand DID explode I was out of the way of the falling rubble.

Not really caring what happened to Ron and Gilderoy in the falling rubble, I just decided to keep goin' and see what I could find. I walked a bunch until I found another snakey carving engraving thing. I said the magic word "open", and in a whirl of smoke and color, I appeared in a murky room with nothing but some ol' giant statue of some ugly guy, a diary, water… oh, and Ginny's dead body.

Hmm… musta been too late. Oh well.

I started to walk away when all of a sudden some dude from the 80's appeared and started lecturing ne about how I was too late, and Gin-Bug was gonna die, bla bla bla… (Duh, Riddle, I had already figured that out for myself, thanks).

I only started paying attention when a GIGANTIC GREEN-ish (ish, because it was kinda muddy and brown…) SNAKE (a real one this time) dropped out of the huge-statue-guy's mouth (ew) and started roaring at me… yeah, you could say it was weird.

So it looked at me, I looked at it. Whaddya know, I didn't die. I shrugged. So the snake and I were both pretty confused, the cogs started turning in my head, and I figured out my glasses had saved me. AND YOU ALL SAID THEY WERE GEEKY!

I almost thought that it was going to be easy at that point, then I realized something… IT WAS STILL A FREEK'N GINORMOUS SNAKE, FANGS 'N ALL!

But I thought, what the heck, and rolled up my sleeves. After doing a few pushups, making some muscles, and trading my wand in for the shiny ruby sword that just happened to be laying at my feet (who needs those stupid drumsticks anywayz*), I lunged.

The following battle was something like: Punch, punch, run, swerve, stab, stab, Basilisk dead, lying in a corner.

Ghostly Riddle looked slightly put out as I pranced around swinging the sword in triumph. Eventually he smiled evilly and started to laugh… which I must say was probably the most horrifying thing yet that evening (he sounded like a cow stuck in a washing machine).

I waited patiently while he got all that out of his system. By the time he was done I was sure we had all died of boredom (maybe that's why the Basilisk had died so easily, poor guy had been left alone with that creep for a while).

Riddle tried to start lecturing me again but I was NOT going through that crap AGAIN! While he rambled I skipped over to the dead snakey and yanked out one of its fangs. Riddle did not notice any of this of course (I think he was about three chasers short of a Quidditch game if you know what I mean), and only looked up when, in a sheer spot of randomness I stabbed the fang into the diary. A second later he poofed away in a hiss of blue, green, smokey, swirly, bla, bla, bla…

The nightly adventures were starting to wane by this point, so I just grabbed Ginny, threw her over my shoulder and made my way back to where Ron and Gildy were.

The wall of rubble was still intact, I think maybe one pebble had moved (thanks for all the help Ron, I was out battling a Basilisk and Voldy's preppy teenage self and you were… sleeping probably).

In another bit of magical power I simply waved my wand at the rocks (my wand magically back in my pocket) and created a hole at the top of the pile, which I then tossed Ginny through. She landed with a thud and I followed extremely gracefully.

Apparently while I was gone Gildy had gone mad and was how speaking to his shoe happily. I kicked Ron awake and he, Gin Gin, and I walked back to the pipe.

A pretty bird was waiting for us at the pipe, waving its feathers, trying to get us to hold on. Ron reached out and grabbed hold, but the second the bird started to fly the feathers popped off in Ron's hand. We just shrugged and began climbing up the slope ourselves.

About six hours later the three of us three of us stumbled out of Moaning Myrtles bathroom and ran smack into Dumbledore.

Ron and I stood back, smiling widely, our arms stretched out displaying the girl in between us. Dumbledore looked over each of our faces serenely.

"Ah, it's nice to see you alive chilin." He patted Ginny's head, "you saved me a lot of trouble."

Ron and I looked at each other, our smiles drooping. I really thought I would at least be getting SOME kind of prize for all the efforts I had put forth.

Dumbledore started to walk away, but he turned back, a frown creasing his forehead. "Wait a minute, have any of you seen Gilderoy?"

THE END

(of chapter 1)

*AVPM reference

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**END NOTE:** Well! I liked it! A bit stupid, I know, but kind of funny. EVERYONE PLEASE REVIEW! And don't give me that crap with favorite-ing and subscribing to my stories without reviewing! COME ON NOW! Please tell me if you liked it, and if you want another chapter, feel free to leave requests for scenes that you would like to see paradied. I'll give you a hint for the next one- it's a little eggy.


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